) =

sigh.

today.


it felt like i lost a friend.


a friend who used to be a boyfriend, a somebody closest person to me next to my family and bestfriends.


somehow, it felt like a break up once again.


just this time.



it doesn.t hurt that badly. but it still hurts.



i am sorry for causing all the sleepless night, the 5kg lost of weight *wow, number 5, i freaking see you everywhere i go*, bruises on ur hand or head if there were any.



if only you realised it before i asked if this was what you really wanted, and if you will regret.



if only u gave it a deeper thought.


i guess we won.t be where we are now.


we prolly be back at how we were 2 yrs ago.



but i guess nobody ever learns to appreciate till they know what they.ve lost.



i learnt to appreciate, to change and to do my very best for this relationship. for the last few months when we were together, it felt like i was fighting alone, i was doing everything for myself, and not us.



was there even still a us back than?

laughoutloud, i guess you know the answer yourself.

what hurts the most is that.


why when i wanted it so freaking badly, you just quit on me. just-like-that. without even telling me why.


and why when all i want is for us to be friends, i am being accused of being cold-hearted for being able to let go of 20months in 1month.



i only did what was best for myself. regardless of what.ll happen in the future.



say if today, you were to tell me you had a new girlfriend, with where i am now, i think i won.t be so much affected by it?



but if i chose to hang on, i think i.ll prolly die hearing that news.


i made that decision not because of any other person.


its just simply because. i don.t think you.ve changed. and yes i know u did alot of things to try to gain my trust and everything back. but. i am just not willing to even try to work for it anymore.



i was happy to see that rose, never thought u.d give me one anymore. but. its just not the same.



i.m tired of getting hurt by the same person over and over again.



i don.t give a shit about what people would say. "if she can let go, it.d mean that you meant absolutely NOTHING to her!"



whether he meant something or nothing, i know myself, he.d know himself.



its just that when its over, even if somebody mean something to you, you.d do what.s best for yourself.



i wasn.t the one who chose our division and broke us apart, i tried to mend it, i tried waiting.



but the more i try, the harder i want to put everything back together, the longer i wait, it hurts me deeper and deeper.



the pain got so unbearable than i became totally numb at one point where nothing will ever make me sad anymore.



i still remember how that heart-breaking feeling felt.



nobody ever said letting go was easy. i never said i let go entirely. i just said i know what i want and i am still letting go.



&& i still believe that if its meant to be than it.ll be.

i know what i want.


but do you?


sighs.





&& yes, i want you 'boyfriend'.