) =

sigh.

today.


it felt like i lost a friend.


a friend who used to be a boyfriend, a somebody closest person to me next to my family and bestfriends.


somehow, it felt like a break up once again.


just this time.



it doesn.t hurt that badly. but it still hurts.



i am sorry for causing all the sleepless night, the 5kg lost of weight *wow, number 5, i freaking see you everywhere i go*, bruises on ur hand or head if there were any.



if only you realised it before i asked if this was what you really wanted, and if you will regret.



if only u gave it a deeper thought.


i guess we won.t be where we are now.


we prolly be back at how we were 2 yrs ago.



but i guess nobody ever learns to appreciate till they know what they.ve lost.



i learnt to appreciate, to change and to do my very best for this relationship. for the last few months when we were together, it felt like i was fighting alone, i was doing everything for myself, and not us.



was there even still a us back than?

laughoutloud, i guess you know the answer yourself.

what hurts the most is that.


why when i wanted it so freaking badly, you just quit on me. just-like-that. without even telling me why.


and why when all i want is for us to be friends, i am being accused of being cold-hearted for being able to let go of 20months in 1month.



i only did what was best for myself. regardless of what.ll happen in the future.



say if today, you were to tell me you had a new girlfriend, with where i am now, i think i won.t be so much affected by it?



but if i chose to hang on, i think i.ll prolly die hearing that news.


i made that decision not because of any other person.


its just simply because. i don.t think you.ve changed. and yes i know u did alot of things to try to gain my trust and everything back. but. i am just not willing to even try to work for it anymore.



i was happy to see that rose, never thought u.d give me one anymore. but. its just not the same.



i.m tired of getting hurt by the same person over and over again.



i don.t give a shit about what people would say. "if she can let go, it.d mean that you meant absolutely NOTHING to her!"



whether he meant something or nothing, i know myself, he.d know himself.



its just that when its over, even if somebody mean something to you, you.d do what.s best for yourself.



i wasn.t the one who chose our division and broke us apart, i tried to mend it, i tried waiting.



but the more i try, the harder i want to put everything back together, the longer i wait, it hurts me deeper and deeper.



the pain got so unbearable than i became totally numb at one point where nothing will ever make me sad anymore.



i still remember how that heart-breaking feeling felt.



nobody ever said letting go was easy. i never said i let go entirely. i just said i know what i want and i am still letting go.



&& i still believe that if its meant to be than it.ll be.

i know what i want.


but do you?


sighs.





&& yes, i want you 'boyfriend'.

the last.

my life had always always been about you.ryanfooshikai


i can.t believe, your not gonna be part of it anymore.


now all the decision and choices i make, will only be me me and me and no more me and you.


its just. so. not fair. and i need way alot of geting used to to be done. long sigh*


did we just lose it all? just that like?



sighs. goodbye honeymoon in japan. goodbye studying in aussie together. goodbye broken promises and empty lies.



but if your love for me were to be a lie, than i guess i.d rather not be in it.



this is just too much to bear. too much :(

invisible.

hello emo blog. :(

yes. i am damn chat emo now. thats why i am here. sighs.

why can.t you just tell me how your feeling instead.

why does things always have to end up this way.

1st-ly, since when the hell i didn.t let/like it when you go out with ur bff. hello? i am not brainless ok. i just don.t like it. when say we are fighting over something. and you just leave. just like that. and than when ur back. u tell me its bed time. well, i never liked dragging stuff overnight, and i believe in solving everysingledamnthing before bed.

well, yes, i admit i was abit weird last year. but i do learn from my mistakes. i fcuking appreciate everything you did.

2nd-ly, i BLOODY HELL NEVER insisted we be in the same classes. well, i don.t deny i wish we can be in same classes. but hey, if you didn.t wanted. i.d respect ur decision. its all about giving and taking in a relationship right?

well, i know we once fought over it. and i wanted to change classes immediately, but did you allow? no. you even showed me the "i was just joking about different classes thingy last night, and now i wan you to change class with me k" face and smile. urgh. i donno how to describe la. but if u recall. u.d know.

3rd-ly, well yes. i don.t like it when you go clubs. with xxx. but all the other times? i asked you to go with ur friends. even when ur asleep, your friends asked me to inform you, & i did.

4th-ly, i remember very damn well, on new years eve, i asked you super damn kao alot of times if u were sure u wanna go for the bbq thing with me instead of spending time with ur friends. you said. YES. cause u didn.t had the mood to go out at all cause you were sick. well, you were quite sick that night. but. sighs.

it doesn.t matter you know. seriously. if you wanted to go out with them. cause if i were you. i would wanna spend new yrs eve with my friends too. but if i get to choose i.d spend it with both my friends and boyf. sighs.

5th-ly, i remember asking you to join your friends during classes or break time. but you said its ok. if you want to you could.ve just went and sit with them la ok. its not like we talk non stop during class or when we are eating. URGH.

6th-ly, can you stop assuming how will i feel if you did this, or that, or that. and therefore do things you don.t like and keep everything to yourself. i just don.t understand it. why can.t you tell me what are you really really thinking about. :(

7th-ly, did you think everytime when i told you i wanted to drive alone i was joking? i asked you for a reason. because i simply know if you see too much of me and everything u.d go crazy. well, its you. but did you allow? nooooo. simply because you say i drive like a mad person and u duwan anything to happen to me. sighs

8th, why the hell am i doing this. well, maybe because i still love you too much to believe whats happening is true. well. i mean. i do accept half of it. but i don.t believe a single thing you said.

i just know. the real reason isn.t what you told me. thats all i know. sighs. :(

deep down inside, i still love you.

and so. i checked my results yesterday. though TER of 90.85 seems good. but but. its actually not as awesome as it seems. its like worst that i expected. okay. i admit i thought i will get a higher TER.

no. i didn.t get a 18 for malay. neither did i get a 17 for econs. :( sighs.

but i guess i did my best?

and thats all that matter. ;)

although you sometimes drive me up the wall.

make me sad and tear.

but at the end of the day.
you.ll sayang me back and wipe my tears away.

lalala~

i am sorry for all the fights we had when i just came back from family trip.
but i am glad its all over now and we are all lovey dovey again.

mwahs.

thanks for everything you.ve done.

&& i love you retard. (:

disappointed

so you are disappointed. big deal. as if i.m not. i can.t believe you hung up on me. oh well. it doesn.t matter anyway kan? i am NOT your girlfriend. so why even bother.

you know what.i seriously think that we are so not meant to be.

nothing i did was ever right in ur eyes. NOTHING at all.

so i guess this is goodbye.

you deserve someone better. someone other than me. someone that will never disappoint you.

yes. i know i am useless and hopeless.

sorry for hurting you.

sorry for everything. i guess it wasn.t enough.

i believe you are definitely better off without me.

have fun living without me.

i hate the fact that i still love you.

but i believe love isn.t supposed to be this way.

no you did not screw up. i did. it happens all the time anyways.

i know i am not good enough. i am sorry.

but you know what. i need my freedom too. and my friends.

maybe things changed. we just didn.t wanna accept it.

i am sorry it had to end this way.

maybe it is the best way out.

goodbye my love.

zomfgwthbbq xD

since my blog is dead. i have a not-so-brilliant-idea to do with this blog. i shall blog here whenever bitches messes with me/any of my dahlings. ;)

to you.
oh so lifeless fcuking pathetic childish bitch.

stop messing with people.s life and talking bullcockshit when u know nothing.

stop acting like you really love someone when actually u want another person.

just leave darling kiwi alone already.

good for you that ur friends are ditching you.

perhaps u should know the problem lies in you.

so stop blaming other people or pushing faults to them already.

you fcuking hit puberty ady. so please grow up. stop acting like a goddamn kiddo.

tagGed

its been a longg time since i ever updated here. so since i have nothing to do. i mean. i actually need to study. but heck. just gonna do the tag by zhu xiao. <33

1. Who was the last person to call you baby?
sanjay :D

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
i hardly even use the cart. but if i do. of cuz. wait. by return u mean returning it to its original place or just leaving it aside? sides, why would i wanna bring a cart home? play shopping at home? no thanks.

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
haha. do i have a choice? i think i will. ;p
OF CUZ I WILL!

4. Has someone ever sang a song to you?
someone promised to sing while playing the guitar for me on my birthday. :(

5. Do you play Sudoku?
No! it sucks. prolly cuz i donno how it works. and i think its a waste of time. haha.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness would you survive?
i don.t think so~ haha.

7. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you would do?
tell my famile and than grab my fav clothes, lingeries, soft toys, bolster, handphone and stuff. xD

8. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
the "twin".;)

9. Who do you text the most?
besties of cuz. and mean girl too. yeah. i know its damn expensive to msg australia. but i am used to it anyways. haha.

10. Who last said they loved you?
hmms. i think it was soppiebi! angelbi loves you too! <3~

11. What color are your eyes?
black.

12. How tall are you?
151cm short. :(

13. Do you like your parents?
hell no. i love them!! XDD

14. Do you secretly like someone?
u mean like as in love kinda like or normal kinda like? anyways. its none. haha.

15. Why did your last relationship end?
maybe cuz it wasn.t meant to be? WTF

16. Who was the last person you said you loved on the phone?
ryan. -.-

17. Favorite ex?
neh. the one. haha. the one which made the relationship like a fairytale. :) my angel. haha.

18. Where was the furthest place you traveled?
Japan?

19. Do you like mustard?
haven tried it. :/

20. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
can i have both? need them both to grow fatter. xD

21. Do you look like your mom or dad?
i think i look like both. duh. they lahirkan me wan right? -.-
dad: skinny, boney.
mum:short.

22. How long does it take you in the shower?
hmms. not that long. prolly 10-15 mins? i don.t play in there anymore u know. but i miss my bath tub though. haha.

23. Can you do splits?
when i was young. yeah. i was selected to go for some dance thingy. but i rejected. ngek~

24. What movie do you want to see right now?
so many!! but right NOW. i just wanna sleep. its raining. nice atmosphere. ;)

25. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
what makes u think i.ve watched it. haha.

26. Was your mom a cheerleader?
haha. i don.t think so. lols. (:

27. What's the last letter of your middle name?
asian : soo yong xiang. so last letter of my middle name is g.
britian : yongxiang soo. no middle name. but wait. i reemmbered saying emo is my middle name. so i guess its an o! haha. xD

28. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
exam day : less than 5.
normal day: hmms. i.ve no idea. cuz i.d wake up. eat for 10-20 mins. and sleep again. and i.d be sleeping the whole day. haha.

29. Do you like care bears?
yeah. they are super comel. (:

30. Do you hate chocolate?
no way. i loveee em. which reminds me. i gotta send my shopping list to darling mean girl. <3 don.t forget my frog choco. xDD

31. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
i don.t remember us fighting ever since last year? hahaha

32. Are you a gullible person?
haha. i don.t think so. wait. maybe i am. -.-

33. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
not really but i need both. :) but i love my girlfriends moree. guys are dumb. ;D

34. Are you easy to get along with?
it depends. i can be a pain in the ass for some people. haha. it all depends on the way u treat me.

35. What is your favorite time of day?
err. bedtime? hahaha.

36. Are you a generally happy person?
maybe yes. and maybe no. it depends. different day different mood. but overall. i think i am a happy person. :)

37. 4 ppl to do this:
if you ever reads my blog again. here goes :
`yong hui
`mellie
`darling besties
`junjie *balas dendam. xD*